Monday, September 20, 2010

Breaking Down "Dancing With the Stars"

Because of my curiosity with The Situation and David Hasselhoff, in addition to my, well, interest in Audrina Patridge, I am giving Dancing With the Stars a go this year. We'll see if it holds up.

I have been watching with a good bit of irregularity over the past few years. I know that Emmitt Smith won a few years ago, and that both Jerry Rice and Ochocinco have done well. But, I'm in no way have I been a consistent viewer.

Anyways, my thoughts and reactions:

1) First and foremost, Brooke Burke maintains her status as a perennial hottie. I recall watching her on E!'s Wild On! as a kid, and thinking that I was getting away with something wrong. (As soon as I would hear mom or dad walking in, I'd turn the channel.)

Which makes me wonder about whatever happened to Art Mann, Brooke's co-host on Wild On! Dude has the greatest job in the world, and disappears. Apparently - after a Google search - he's hosting a show on Mark Cuban's network. Can't say I've seen it. But, I guess it's better to have once been on the top, than not at all. The next time you're at the beach, poor one out for Art Mann.

2) Tom Bergeron is really in his element on this show, isn't he? Makes hosting a show look like a walk in the park. Hollywood Squares, America's Funniest Home Videos (yep, that show's still on) - doesn't matter. Dude is a pro.

3) Audrina met all of my expectations for the night. Hot and hot. I don't know what she danced, and didnt' care. But the judges have something against her, and it may cost her in the end. Judges' score: An awfully low 19.

Brenda Warner
4) Remember when Kurt Warner's wife looked like a peacock and called St. Louis radio stations? She doesn't look like that anymore, and I don't know what her listening habits are currently.

What I did see on the show was a guy that isn't going to win this thing. Absolutely nothing stood out, and I had forgotten about him as soon as he was off the screen. Somebody at ABC needs to crank that bagging groceries story quick, or else Kurt's going to get the heave. Judges' score: 19.

5) Someone named Kyle Massey then appeared. He worked up a good sweat and proceeded breathed heavy. I was hoping that a judge would tell him that some cardio might not be a bad idea.

Anyone got an idea where this kid is from? I mean, without a Google search. Me neither. Judges loved this kid. Judges' score: 23.

6) I wonder how much of Rick Fox's backstory DWTS will actually bring up. You know, how he has a kid out of wedlock, how the National Enquirer caught him running around on Vanessa Williams, and how he dates a girl 11 years younger than him.

Nope, I expect sunshine on the man who is supposedly the most beautiful man to ever hit the dance floor on DWTS. Why ruin it? Right, ABC? The judges fawned. Their score: 22.

7) Margaret Cho is a disaster. I understand they are going for the "can Margaret Cho be sexy?" angle, but please - no one's buying it with that spare tire she was wearing under that kimono Monday night. (I know, I'm going to hell.)

While her performance was ridiculous (meaning there were attempts to be funny in a competition where being funny doesn't help), I couldn't help but try to think about the first time I saw Margaret Cho, and I swear it was on the old Stand-Up Spotlight show on VH1. Now, I couldn't find Margaret Cho on it, but if you'd care for a refresher, here's one:
The judges thought she was terrible as well. And we all nodded our heads. Judges' score: 15. That apparently is the minimum score.

8) I guess Brandy has managed to stay relevant, because she's on this show, and it doesn't appear to be a joke.

Remember when Brandy went to Kobe Bryant's prom? Could that have been her high point? And even more telling is the other side of that equation. You would think that Kobe Bryant could of had any girl of his choosing at Lower Merion to go the prom with him. Instead, Kobe gets a pop star that he barely knew to go with him. Vain, anyone? I guess you never recognize foreshadowing when it happens.

Brandy was blah, but she knows what she's doing. Judges' score: 23.

9) Meet Bristol Palin, your public advocate against teen pregnancy. (Nervous stares around the room.) Bristol's got a lot working against her: I believe the left would want her out of the spotlight soon as possible, so she won't be picking up any votes there. And a lot of folks on the right blame her mom for fouling up John McCain's White House bid.

But worse, she's stiff. And not necessarily on the dance floor. When asked if her life had changed since joining the cast of DWTS, Bristol replies, "Yes, it has a lot." And that was it. America loves personality, and Bristol is anti-personality. The judges decided to be nice. Judges' score: 18.

10) Mrs. Brady is 76? Holy crap. For 76, Florence is friskier than most 22 year old coeds. The judges felt like she was old too, and gave her a score of 18.

TPS Reports? Screw that.
11) Michael Bolton. I was hoping that we'd get to see the one who didn't suck, but alas. Stiff and he's in the middle of a tour, I'm sure this will be a short stint for him.

He's also not as much fun to make fun of since he cut the hair. Judges' score: 16.

12) The Situation is going to be dynamite on this show. He doesn't get through the first show without pissing off the judges. (In Sitch's defense, it didn't seem that the judges got his 'nice suit' joke at all.)

I was watching Snooki and Pauly D on Chelsea Handler's show last week, and they gave me the head's up on this - Situation can't dance. A victim of today's age of everyone just getting on the dance floor and just humping - it appears that The Situation may finally in a spot that he's not in control, and he can't drink or talk his way out of it.

And with the judges already having him on their sh-tlist, I don't see this ending well. Pauly D isn't there to jump on this grenade for you, Sitch. Judges' score: 15.

13) I really do think the Jennifer Grey story is fantastic. When I was reminded of the Patrick Swayze connection, it actually was touching. She did great, but I did find it like the judges were trying to make her cry on national television. (Hint to the judges: once you see the eyes start to well up, let the Swayze references go.) Although I'm sure it will be, I hope that they don't keep bringing it up in the effort to make Jennifer Grey ball all over the place.

And we all know what's coming at some point. "Time of My Life" and Baby will be flying across the dance floor. While I appreciate the notion, it's going to be too much cheese for me.

But why hasn't anyone brought up Charlie Sheen?
The judges loved her. And so will America. Judges' score: 24.

14) I have thought a lot of things aout David Hasselhoff over the years, but this was the first time this crossed my mind: he looks old. What's worse is that this makes me feel old.

I know he's been a joke and parody of himself over the past 15 years, but he was also Michael Knight. And when I was a kid, Michael Knight was awesome. I guess seeing the Hoff stumble around, out of shape, really takes a lot out of me. He is entertainment, but he's not a dancer.

Here's to hoping he can find a way. Judges' score: 15.

15) Predictions: Clubhouse leader has to be Jennifer Grey. She's got the story, and she can dance. Going home: Margaret Cho. Won't get any help from the phone voters, as they'll all be scrambling to save The Hoff and The Situation.

We'll see if I make it to next week.