Sunday, October 23, 2011

An Endorsement for Asshole Baby & The Qualifications Required to Have a Child

This baby is an asshole.
Hello, all.

My buddy Phillip has started a new blog that I want to give a quick shout-out to. Asshole Baby.

It's a blog by a guy who I can't (personally) believe actually procreated. My friend Lance Taylor and I have discussed many times that people should have a license in order to have a child. At least some level of qualification. Think about it - is there a greater responsibility in life? You become completely responsible for another life. Without you, they don't eat, don't stay warm, nothing. And just anybody is allowed to take a run at it.

There should be some requirements right? Like Barney Fife, I believe that if you want to address a problem, you get in front of it. Nip it in the bud.

If it were up to me, the qualifications for getting your parenting license:

1) Be able to read at a fifth-grade level. I don't think children should be managing children, and if the parent can at least read to this level, they are likely to be employed or employable, with enough intelligence to have a basic understanding of what is right/wrong or safe/dangerous. If a person can't read the same stuff I was reading when I was 10 years old - you don't need a kid.

Can't believe Leah and Corey
didn't work out.
2) A desire to be featured on Teen Mom? If so, immediately disqualified, axe to the fallopian tubes. At least tie them up 'til your thirty. Teen Mom may be the greatest injustice to any child. Exploiting these girls and their families is WRONG. In what - I guess - was conceived as a deterrent for teen pregnancy, you end up with teen girls trying to get pregnant so they can get on the show. If you or someone you know would want to be on Teen Mom, lock them in a shed with the Bible for then next 15 years. Girls who want to have a kid so they can be on TV should not be parents, and this fact is prominently displayed on the show. At least I have Kim Kardashian fighting on my side here.

3) Can you name the current President? Assuming you're an American, if you don't know who is in charge of the country, you shouldn't be in charge of anybody.

4) A basic understanding of safety/good sense. Things like not taking the child to a baseball game on a sunny day with nothing to cover them. Or leaving them in the car alone. All of these people would be disqualified.

If you find yourself on the south side of any of these requirements, I'm sorry, but rules are rules. Feel free to change your lifestyle, and we can revisit. But I promise you and the kid that we are doing everyone involved a solid.

That's it. I'm not looking to exclude anyone that wants to have a child. I'm trying to weed out the people where the child wouldn't want them.

Asshole Baby is Phillip giving us an unfiltered play-by-play of what it's really like to be a parent. I am unsure if he would have gotten his parenting license.

I am having a hard time understanding how the mother is allowing any of this to happen. Perhaps she just doesn't know. But it is a bit of a refreshing read if you are in that stage of life where you are inundated with either wedding announcements or "look who's having a baby?" cues.

Phillip is not a politically correct guy - so be warned. He's already taken one post down that even I think went a bit too far. (So be sure to check his site daily so you don't miss out.)

And of course, if you'd like to follow me on Twitter, you can do so: @harry_long. I'd also appreciate it if you 'liked' the Facebook page of A Total Waste of Blog. You can do that at the top right of this page, or you can do it here. And you see all those buttons under the title of this post? That's how you share this thing. Get to it.